i had so much to say before i sat in front of the computer. so much, it was overflowing untamely in all directions. bad imagery.. well, the gist is i did have lots to blog about up until now when the computer has become a cue for forgetting what i wanted to say to y'all.

cue for forgetting? how fitting.

anyway, my deuxieme french oral went pretty well. good.
mon francais composition went not bad too. good.
my listening was comme ci comme ca. er.. good?

what's not is the upcoming exams.
the mess in my room. isn't it funny i didn't make it?
the lack of discipline.
no internet.. yes i've become a victim of technology and the convenience of media. sighs.

now say this, ' ma tactique attaque tous tes tics avec tact'

ma tucker tic ertucker too tay tic ah vucker tuck.
french rap. branche!!

sometimes i wonder if babies are really smarter.. see, infantile amnesia hits and we all kinda forgot that we were really smart or maybe daft or we knew what the hell our parents were saying when they thought we were downright clueless... but wait, if it's some form of amnesia as what's-his-name puts it, then maybe we could all regain it somehow.. see, people who suffer from amnesia have a chance of regaining their memory.. so, since all of us are suffering from a lifetime amnesia, wouldn't it be possible that someone in this vast world gets it back? could that person be me then? maybe i should post this in the psych forum..
it's such a nice thougt.


meifen _ spoke at 7:01 PM

temptation comes and goes. like a dirty dance that strikes you after three absinth shots, promising hapiness despite the danger that lurks. tonight i set myself to be vulnerable and let all boundaries fade. pride vanishes, principles gone, guard down, soul free, heart light, shame fades, just me.. in the rawest, bare-naked form. i wish.

the girl on the tram wasn't me. she was weak and tired, all drained from 8 hours of work. her hair was crappy, her shoes felt thin. she couldn't bother looking out for trammies. her head was heavy. she felt like a little feather, blown from ashes to ashes, dirt to dirt. all she wanted was to rush home and cry. snuggle up to him and cry. cry like someone brave would. but right then, she didn't even have the courage to be vulnerable. that was how fragile her soul was then. temptation beckons but she was too prideful... as usual.

yes, it's one of those days again. the four seasons kinda day where all you wanna do is sit at home and watch cable tv. unfortunately, i didn't have the luxury of doing so. i feel bloated.

once there was a boy in my secret room. he only knew one language, so i couldn't talk to him. we stayed together for many days and many nights. we didn't talk but understand so much. one day he got up and left. he was part of another. i didn't hurt cause i knew a long time ago. but i was sad cause i missed him. but then i started to think- it shouldn't hurt me to be free, it's what i really need. to pull myself together. but if it's so good being free, would you mind telling me, why i don't know what to do with myself?

when i look into your spanish eyes
i know the reason why i am alive
and the world is so beautiful tonight...
been to places i've never been
and it comes from deep within
and it's telling me that i'm about to win first prize
knowing all i have to do
is reach out my hand to you
anytime i want to look into your spanish eyes

sappy wappy, crappy happy.

meifen _ spoke at 11:46 PM

can you imagine a life where teachers tell you not to come to school.. and in fact, 'you must not. no matter what' ... no, it's not a form of expulsion.. it's not even suspension. it's the whole bloody fantastic university staff going on strike against the government. come thursday 16 october, all staff would be going on strike and students are asked not to step on campus grounds regardless of any situations as a support for our beloved lecturers and tutors. hooray.. so, french oral is postponed, no psych and crim lecture. no tai box class. hmm, can't say i'm happy.. but not sad either.

i'm freaking irritated with me because i am irrritated with you. no, you're no longer important. so sorry but i've decided to be honest with myself and live it like i love it. and though the idea is one hell of a temptation, i am proud it has not overridden me and will probably never. mistakes help me grow and the one i made 18 months ago has brought me to my senses. so, i'm more than glad to say, i am irritated with myself cause i'm irritated with you.

meifen _ spoke at 12:02 PM

essays due on tuesday, i'm in the midst of completing it now. therefore, being the studious geek that i inherently am, i will go finish it. now. shoo.

everyone has a narcissistic streak in them. this is mine.






meifen _ spoke at 9:01 AM

he got eyes you can see yourself in. but it's not just the plain old you. it's the self you aim to be. he makes you want to be happier, braver, free-er. just like he is. he's shy at the begining. a small boy in his toddler seat looking out the car window. you snap pictures of him but he wouldn't smile. but gradually, he starts to like it. and you feel accomplish. cos now, he's your friend. he plays silly games with you. can't say you like it but they're enjoyable in an unrecognizable way. you play hide and seek together and he hides beneath his blanket- moving. you hear the soft chuckles but pretend not to know. he's obliviously dressed in polo ralph but he seems to prefer his footy jersey. humility. either that or just childishly clueless. he likes pizza, ham and cheese especially. guzzles ribena while detailing thunderbird to you. he conveniently wipes his greased hands on his polo ralph overalls, but strangely, it's not repulsive. he likes to hear bout peter pan even tho he knows the story thru and thru. you tell him to rest and he naively goes to sleep.. his hush breathing... rising and fall. such sweet sound.
benjamin kai perkins. the boy i'm so in love with. for with him, you never have to grow up.

i am back from sydney and into school. it's a joke that my first year of university has nearly rounded up. i see people coming and going but i feel stuck in the middle like i'm not allowed to move. not given permission by me. but why? je ne sais pas. donc je vais essayer chercher. chercher comment? je ne sais pas. the truth is i am slacking. not just studies wise but my whole life. i'm too damn lazy. i need a boost. drop me some wheatgrass would you please? i need good grades to go to canada. i need bloody good grades. then again, i need some peace of mind near the ocean. where i can wake up at 5am in the morning to surfers slappin their boards on the water. then undoubtedly, i'll join them in their riding of the waves. snap back to reality. the weather is really getting better. i cannot believe it.

i'm going under.
but i always rise up.

meifen _ spoke at 10:07 AM